How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
