Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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