Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
