Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
