I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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