Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
