What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
