don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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