I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize