I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
