I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
