First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
