omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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