I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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