You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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