We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
