Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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