: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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