1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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