Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
