I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
