Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
