yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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