i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm getting married
To pizza
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
