My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
