i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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