38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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