I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
