I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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