i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
