I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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