I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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