how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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