it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
