What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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