I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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