he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
