so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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