His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
