She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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