Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
