I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
