Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
