I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
