it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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