I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
