Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
