So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
