I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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