I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
