If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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