I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
