I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
