Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
