my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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